I am transgender. I just came out this year to very mixed responses from my close friends and family. Like most transgender people I've always known and by the age of 14 had decided that once I could afford to transition that I would. I remember being young and day dreaming about being pregnant, of having a husband, raising children: role playing in my mind what I had been conditioned to believe that a woman was. I realized that in my mind I was a woman and began to (though in the most subtle ways) present myself as I identified, female. I've carried a purse of some sort since I was about 15, primarily worn panties since about age 16 (excepting when i was sporting my boyfriends undies, which is a total girl thing). These things were never a big deal for me, and for those around me it identified me as gay, so I assumed that role in order to not engage the more complicated truth that I was/am transgender. I adhered to a more acceptable, though still marginalized, social role than what I knew was true. However, saying that I was gay was a lie, one that I told to others and even deceived myself with in an effort to hide and at times deny the truth about who I am. I believe that a gay person is someone that is almost exclusively attracted to persons of the same biological-sex, and that is not me. Even as I pretended to be gay and accept all the discrimination and derogatory language that is associated with that lifestyle (faggot, pervert, sinner) it seemed easier than confronting the truth. It seemed the more acceptable of the marginalized space to exist within. At University I even used it as a tactic to seduce woman that I found attractive by making them feel accomplished having seduced, or changed a gay boy. Gender and Sexual preference are not the same thing and I've always believed this even while using it to my advantage. If I had to identify myself Tomboi would be the term that I would use. But it seems that I do not get to choose because of a social structure that demands that we place one of a set of approved 'concrete' identifiers on ourselves as a way to present publicly. I've slept with men, woman and those whose gender is not so clearly defined and certainly have a preference but it is not based on biological-sex, which I've discovered is absolutely unacceptable by Society.
So I lived my teens, twenties in secret to all but select long term lovers and those that would fetishize me as a kinky object of their own secret lifestyle, which I of course played along with willingly; to be objectified in a way that however demeaning allowed me to express my identity was a relief to all the lies and social ornamentation that I dawned daily choosing the path of least resistant in both respects. However, this clandestine charade only damaged my psyche and further suppressed the Tomboi that I knew was more than a sexual fetish, the identity that even if it was a choice, was mine to make and not a matter of right or wrong, but a matter of being happy or tormenting the beautiful girl that was as much the truth of my gender as gender is truth. The lengths that 'we' are willing to go to deceive others and ourselves about who we are amazes me, especially concerning those aspects of ourselves that should not be plated for public consumption. But I did it, I lied, to myself, to my family, to my friends, to my lovers, to strangers and it was deliberate. Why? I like to tell myself that being an ethnic minority, having a mental disability, coming from the lowest rungs of poverty were good enough reason, but that isn't true. I was a coward, afraid that being transgender, saying to the world (because to be transgender is very much so about saying to the world, or not saying and, at the very least attempting to deceive them and oneself further) that even though I have a penis I am a girl. Not that I was born in the wrong body (nature doesn't make mistakes; however, society often does), but that the identity that was forced upon me by the dictates of the social construct were wrong, or didn't apply, or I would defy them without caring about the consequences, was more than I thought I could handle. So why transition? Why the choice, desire, need to chemically, scientifically 'correct/change' what society has defined me as? Dysphoria? Identity crisis? A need to satisfy societies image of what it means to be female? There are as many answers as there are questions, but for me the most important one is because 'I can.' That I am strong enough to not only accept who I am, but if the demands of society insist that I place on gender, and sexuality and identifiers that they will be ones that are honest in the face of social gender hierarchies, but more importantly will be honest to myself and to that little 14 year old girl that day dreamed without fear. I will not be determined by fear!
That said, I am still afraid, will I ever find love, and have that spouse, children, the mortgage that the little 14 year old girl dreamed about so many years ago. Or am I distancing myself further from those day dreams by refusing to adhere to societies notions of gender, family, sexuality? Am I foolish to further marginalize myself? If the scientific accomplishments to change ones gender weren't available would I be able to accept myself, and shouldn't I be before I make such a definite decision? Those are just the internal fears, what about the facts that surround transphobia, violence, legally sanctioned discrimination. My father will never speak to me again, my relationship with one of my dearest friends has been strained beyond what I fear may be repaired. So why? The best answer that I can give at this time is the choice that I made to live a determined life. Often this choice makes me feel selfish and I guess to some degree it really is, but it is also finally being honest with myself and deciding to seek out hormone treatment makes it so with others.
Though in closing I would like to say that without the strong support system of friends, family and people that I didn't even know before I started down this path I would never have been able to find sobriety, honesty, forgiveness to that little 14 year old girl or the belief that I do get to determine myself.
Bill, Natalie, Tracey, Kathy, the whole McNamee tribe, my dearest and most beloved Sara and so many others thank you for loving me, most of you even when I did not love myself.
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