Letter:
Dear Aunt Linda,
Enclosed please find a check for
five-hundred dollars. I will send you
the other two-hundred on my next pay period.
I want to thank you for always being there for me. I want you to know that without your love,
compassion and support that I would not be where I am in life, and I can never
thank you enough. You have given me life
so many times; you have been my mother, my father and my inspiration. I will always remember the toughest times in
my life being made bearable because of you.
There is so much that I want to tell you, but have been so very afraid
of losing your love that I couldn't bring myself to out of fear of
disappointing you. I wish there were an
easy way to say this, but even as I type these words fear swells up in my
throat because I do not know what will happen once you know, that is if you do
not know all ready. Somehow, my parents
not accepting me, loving me, or speaking to me doesn't bother me, but the idea
that you may not shakes me to my very core.
All my life I've known it to be true,
but because of circumstance I was unable to act on said truth about who I am. Growing up as I did I never thought I would
accomplish half of the things that I have and I know that I owe that to you;
which means also that I owe you honesty about who I am.
Last year on this date I found
myself in a hospital emergency room beaten and sexually assaulted by the boy
that I had been involved with for a number of years. I had been abusing methamphetamine for even
longer and was on a path to self-destruction and possibly death. So central was this boy and meth that I only
recently understand that I had been in an abusive situation for years. I made all the excuses, if I had not, or I knew
that it would upset him and what happens when I anger him. I decided to save my life, which meant I had
to get sober and get away from him. I
checked myself in to a hospital, still very confused about what had
happened. They tried to run a rape-kit I
refused, they called the police who tried to get me to press charges and I
wouldn’t. I could not imagine hurting
someone that I loved (and honestly still love) no matter what he had done to
me, even as I realized that he had been abusing me, physically, psychologically and
spiritually for years. I decided that it
was my fault and to take full responsibility for my life, but soon realized
that what that meant was more than getting sober and out of an abusive
relationship. I had to be honest with
myself and now I need to be honest with you.
I have spent the last year in intense
therapy, seeing a Therapist, a Psychiatrist and an Endocrinologist. I am Transgender. I always have been, and since I was very
young I have known it, but was never brave or selfish enough to do anything
about it. When I decided to move to
Minnesota I knew that one of the things that I would do was to begin Hormone
therapy. I have been on female hormones
(estrogen, and anti-androgens) for about six months now, and they are having
some real affects on my body, mind and well being. I am so sorry to tell you like this, I wanted
to tell you in person, but realized that I couldn't, or rather didn't know
how. Both my father and my mother know,
as well as my brothers and my Uncle Frank, I asked them all not to tell you so
that you could hear it from me. I am so
sorry to disappoint you, but I could not go on living in a body that I didn't
want. Having been assigned a gender that
I disagreed with was more than I could continue to bear. I've always been a girl, a Tomboy yes, but a
girl none-the-less. I hope you can
accept this part of my life, but I do understand if you cannot. Please know that I love you dearly and whatever
response (or lack of response) that you decide concerning this matter, I will
accept. You are the only person in my
life that I believe has earned the right to have any say in the choices that I
make. I am prepared for anything, but I
beg of you to continue loving me. My
choice to pursue this wasn't easy. It
took me searching my Soul and then deciding that I could not continue to live
as I had been for the first part of my life.
I know it is selfish of me, and likely rude of me to tell you like this,
in a letter, but I could not continue to keep it a secret from you, I felt like
I was lying to the only consistent parental figure in my life, lying out of fear. You are the only person that for my entire
life has consistently earned my love and reverence and I was hiding from
you. How could I champion being honest
with oneself and brave enough to be honest with others about who you are while
I was hiding from you, the one person that really mattered.
So
there is the truth, I hope by my next birthday to have a court date and will be
changing my name to Kya Ladonald Concepcion.
I will also be changing my gender marker on all identifying documents,
license, passport, birth certificate.
Please know that however selfish this may seem (or really is for that
matter) that I in no way wanted to hurt or disappoint you. I only wanted to be able to live my life in a
way that made me happy and wasn't centered on anyone else. So long have I tried to fill this emptiness inside
me with everything I could think of, drugs, destructive people, self loathing
and self hate that it had become impossible to do anything but be honest with
myself and find a way to be honest with the people that mattered to me, chief amongst them you.
I hope this letter finds you well
and that you are able to understand why I am doing this, and please, please
know that it is not to hurt anyone especially you. Had I been strong enough to continue living
as I had been I would have, it would have been so much easier.
Love Always.
(Kya) Ladonald Concepcion
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